Today I signed up to be part of something important. The Philadelphia Race for Hope on November 2nd. It's a fund raiser for brain tumor research. I fell into this by accident. My friend, Amanda, said she was doing her first 5K ever and did anyone want to join her. I said I can't run but if there was a walk part of it . . . next thing I knew she said yes, I said I'd do it and then I got the information on it.

Rob, was in the 8th grade when during a regular eye exam, it was noticed he'd lost his perifrial (sp??) vision in his left eye. What followed were appointments with a neurologist, a neuro-surgeon and within less than a month from the first eye doctor appointment, he was having a brain tumor removed. I can tell you exactly where I was when found out, what I was wearing, and that it seemed time stopped. The next couple of weeks were a blur, but the day of his surgery, was probably the longest day ever. We had to be at the hospital at 5:45 in the morning. He was far less stressed than either of my parents, or I were. And if he was as stressed as we were, God bless him, he didn't show it. There were so many what if's that day, and in the following days and weeks.

Now here we are almost 10 years later. He never did recover the eyesight he lost. He does suffer from epilepsy due to the surgery. Both have caused him problems. But he's made it through. He's alive, breathing, a college graduate with a very bright future. All those things we weren't sure of back on July 23rd, 1999.

The team I am on is for someone I have yet to meet, a friend of Amanda's named Susie. She is having her brain tumor removed today. I can only hope and pray that her results are as positive as Rob's.

I've said for a long time things happen for a reason. I feel like this is something that definitely falls into that line of thinking.
This is our team's page:
http://www.braintumorsociety.org/site/TR/Events/08_PARaceforHope?pg=team&fr_id=1290&team_id=18200

In advance, thanks for taking the time to look!!

Judy Blume rocked my reading world when i was a kid. 'Are you there God? It's me Margaret' was one of my favorites. I could relate to that one a whole lot. Living with this whole concept of this is the way it is & it's going to be that wasy because that's just the way it always was and you're supposed to just accept it ~ that wasn't exactly me either. I was that kid who asked WHY??!! to everything imaginable. Just Because was not exactly what i considered to be a reasonable answer. still don't.

thus my current ongoing argument with the Almighty.

as i explained to someone this morning we currently aren't on speaking terms. it's been a long time coming. it's not just since the funeral that things have been building up inside me. hell we went for years not speaking. but starting a little bit before 8 Saturday morning, the current war was launched. if anyone looked out their hotel window into the parking lot Saturday morning they would have seen a red-headed idiot out there in her boxers & tshirt & flip flops having an argument with an unseen force of nature. Pam was a bit worried that i'd be struck down my lightening in the shower shortly after. i ended up with a concussion shortly after that but that was my own stupidity, not the previously mentioned force of nature. not in any way. i take no blame for the storm that wrecked the show either. nope. my argument wasn't all that bad to have incurred His wrath in that form. and if it was, don't you think He would have brought it on a bit sooner?? a 12 hour waiting period? FedEx delivers quicker. if i'd pissed off God that much, our rehearsal would have been cancelled and i would have been the one zapped while holding the pole rehearsing.

nope. my argument with God is going to be going on for a while. He may be all forgiving, but, let's face it, i'm a Scorpio. we hold grudges FOREVAAAAAAA.

here's my basic issues summed up in a nutshell. those statements such as these: God never gives you more than you can handle; God will carry you thru the hard times; God is always there watching out for you; Put your faith in God; and my personal favorite "It's not in God's plan". UHHHH my faith was in God for years. If he was carrying me thru the hard times i'd hate to have seen how much more they would have sucked if i'd been doing this all alone. I look around me and keep seeing things that happen in peoples' lives that make absolutley NO sense. If they are part of a plan, well then the only thing i see is that God isn't a loving God, but a totally sadistic entity, besides being a lousy planner. If all this crap is punishment for things that happened long before we were born, i.e. the whole Adam & Eve screw up, what the fuck? when you have kids you know the punishment for past behavior only goes so far in current punishment. so why the hell are we still paying for something that happened either a few thousand years ago or a few million years ago *depending on who's version of Earth & evolution you believe*.

i'm sitting around trying to make sense of not only my life, but others' and i just don't get it. what the hell did i do to really get all the crap of the last 40 years thrown at me?? and i'm not the only one i'm wondering about. that "bad stuff happens to good people" shit only goes so far! too many good people i know have been hurting lately. it's just not fair dammit!

so there it is ~ i'm angry again. i've been angry. somewhere along the line the anger had subdued to a low roar. well folks it's back. and i don't foresee it going anywhere for a while. maybe one day God and i will sit down for a pow-wow and work thru all this. but until then, i'm back to being on strike. he wants help from me on something he's going to have to work with me on MY terms for a change.

guess i should expect more 3 inch cuts, concussions, sprains, strains, bumps and bruises huh?

. . .

HOLIDAY EATTING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that! it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:


'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, glass of wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'